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Grief

Journaling about grief four years later

woman writing in journal on lap

Journal Entry: Saturday, May 22, 2021 Happy Birthday to my dear husband, Paul Kwasniewski, who would be 74 years old today. I wish he were out here on the back porch sitting next to me. If he were still alive, we probably would have gone out to breakfast and planned to share dinner with the girls and Joe and his family. As it is, Em and I talked about sharing dinner while writing down the many quirky sayings he often used that reflected his great sense of humor and made us laugh, and all the more now in his absence. It has been more than four years since he left us. When people ask me how grief affects my life now, the best response I can offer is that the overall malaise that hovered like a dense cloud cover on an otherwise sunny day has lifted. But grief still comes…

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Grief

Worst day of my life

abstract staircase

Today I am honored to share with you an essay written by a young woman who is near and dear to my heart. She is 17 years young and a junior in high school. She wrote this descriptive piece for an Honors English class assignment. I don’t know what grade her teacher gave it, but I give it an A++. I suspect you will, too. Yesterday By Madeline Nickles Yesterday was the worst day of my life. I woke up the morning of this horrid day, my eyes red and swollen from the night before, my silk pillowcase still damp from the unyielding tears that just wouldn’t seem to stop flowing. Looking around my sister’s room, I grimace as the blinding morning sun pokes through her curtains like an outstretched hand. I see my sister, Abby, still fast asleep on her bed, blissfully unaware of the new day mercilessly attempting…

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Grief and Loss

Packing clothes, unpacking memories

men's wardrobe

Never is the brevity of life more palpable than when we are tasked with the job of packing up a loved one’s belongings. I started tackling the job last spring, about six months after Paul died. I remember thinking it would be difficult, that I might be asking for more grief. But it just felt like an everyday household chore – something that needed to be done. I began with his clothing, gathering up his t-shirts, sweaters, pajamas, shorts, jeans, casual pants, and socks. Working methodically – folding and stacking, folding and stacking – I let my mind wander. Was it too soon to remove his things from view? Would I regret this impulsive move to clear the space his clothes had filled for decades? As the stacks of clothing grew, so did a feeling of annoyance, even anger. I was focused on all the living Paul had done in those…

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Grief and Loss

The dream that consoled me

Here’s one for those who enjoy finding hidden meanings in dreams. A few weeks ago, I had a dream about my mom. She came in through the back door of my house and stood on the landing leading to the kitchen. I was doing something at the sink — maybe preparing something for a family gathering. I was conscious of other people in the house — my kids, Paul, my dad — but they were not involved in the moment. I kept doing what I was doing as I turned to look at her. She was young and beautiful, clothed in a 1950’s style red dress — fitted waistline, flared at the bottom. Her black hair was short, framing her face with soft wavy curls. A broad smile made her face almost glow. She moved toward me to kiss me, but I stopped her cold. Don’t kiss me, Mom.…

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Relationships

My friendship with Mildred Behn

My friend, Mildred, died on August 20 at the age of 102. I’ve written about her before here, albeit clandestinely. I was asked to speak at her memorial service last Friday to offer a reflection on my relationship with her. Here’s what I wrote: I know that many of you could stand up here and talk about the ways Mildred touched your life. She had the amazing ability to make every person she knew feel as though they were special to her, a favorite among the many people she graciously invited into her world. It is for that reason, I am humbled and honored to have the opportunity to share my thoughts on the remarkable friendship I shared with Mildred Behn. I met her for the first time at a meeting we both attended here at the church with our mutual friend, Steve Nickles. Afterward she came up to me and boldly said, “We…

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Family

One of my Favorite Memories

This year marks the 50th anniversary of the 1965 release of Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Academy-Award-winning film musical The Sound of Music. For me, the movie triggers a very special moment in my family’s history. I was 7 years old in 1965 when my parents took my three sisters and me to see the film at the Madison Theatre in downtown Detroit, one of an exclusive list of theaters in major cities chosen to show the film before its general release nationwide. If I remember correctly, the outing marked my sister Laura’s 12th birthday. Our moments together that day are captured in my mind as a series of vivid snapshots. I am a round-faced, chubby little girl with buck teeth and dark brown hair cut bob-style, pulled back on each side with barrettes. I can hear the swish of the tulle fabric lining my Sunday-best dress as I move anxiously in my…

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