Journal Entry: Saturday, May 22, 2021
Happy Birthday to my dear husband, Paul Kwasniewski, who would be 74 years old today. I wish he were out here on the back porch sitting next to me. If he were still alive, we probably would have gone out to breakfast and planned to share dinner with the girls and Joe and his family. As it is, Em and I talked about sharing dinner while writing down the many quirky sayings he often used that reflected his great sense of humor and made us laugh, and all the more now in his absence.
It has been more than four years since he left us. When people ask me how grief affects my life now, the best response I can offer is that the overall malaise that hovered like a dense cloud cover on an otherwise sunny day has lifted. But grief still comes randomly, at the most mundane moments of the day, and not every day.
When you least expect it
It showed up recently while I was brushing my teeth. I thought of how much I still miss him walking past the bathroom into our bedroom to spray on his cologne.
“I wish you were here,” I thought.
It hit me another time while trimming shrubs. I remembered how he would often be on the back porch reading and writing while I tended to my garden. When I was out there too long, he’d say, “When will you make an end?”
“I miss you being just inside the door keeping an eye on me.” I whispered.
Or there are the times when I am at the kitchen counter preparing a meal, and I remember how he would come up behind me, wrap his arms around my waist and then kiss my neck until I forgot what I was doing. Just thinking about it, I feel the electricity of the passion between us run through me.
I don’t feel sad when these moments happen. The feeling is more like a longing, a now familiar and yet comforting ache which leaves me thanking God for what we had.
Good memories
Fortunately, my grief has been focused on the more positive times we shared. And that’s good, because there were plenty of moments when we were at odds in our relationship, working against each other’s best interests — and me more than he. We had more misunderstandings, arguments, and disagreements than I like to remember. I said so many hurtful things I wish I could take back. Those memories break into my grief as well. And when they do, I say as if he can hear me, “Forgive me. If only I’d been able to see the big picture. If only I had it to do over again.” And then I imagine him saying what he said to me a thousand times, “I will always love you, Joey,” because he knew how much I loved him and how much I depended on his love.
As different as we were, we were good for each other overall. We made each other better people, better followers of Jesus. We inspired one another, and we were most happy spending time alone together more than with any others.
The more I think about him today, the more I am reminded what a special gift our marriage was for each other, and in many respects, for others who knew us. Four years later, any grief I feel from his absence feels like a gift, too. It reminds me of all that we had — the loss magnifying the treasure, and I am comforted and feel grateful for God’s generosity.
6 Comments
So beautifully written!! Yes, your marriage blessed me too!! I miss him and watching you two together!! The love, laughter and joy were always infectious😘
Thanks, Mary. He always enjoyed being with you.
Jo,
So inspirational. Your words encourage those experiencing loss of a loved one. At our age, we have lived long enough to love and long enough to have “lost” many we loved. (After typing that, I put “lost” in quotes because they are not lost.) They know where they are — we know where they are.
However, there are those who don’t embrace this truth — they truly know loss. Your words convey the healing power of faith and eternal love. You have shared a perfect love story where the ending IS the beginning. —- John 3:16
Thank so much, Julie. Loved “a perfect love story where the ending IS the beginning.”
JoAnn,
I loved your writing, Grief Four Years Later. So glad that you shared your precious memories. You can rest assured that that the love you shared with Paul was blessed by God.
We all have moments that we are when tempers are short or words come out of us that we really don’t mean. It is because we are human. Anger and frustration are not shortcomings. The time when apologies are given strengthened the bonds of your marriage.
Thanks, Gail.